The (Humorous) Guide to Celebrity Distances

{Header image by Bruno Glätsch, used courtesy of Pixabay, under a Creative Commons license.}

Author’s Note: this is a piece of humor, and not intended as an actual guide for how to interact with the celebrities you admire.

Like many things currently in my life, I blame Martin Freeman for the creation of this guide. It was 2014: I was lucky enough to be in London on an internship, during the time he played the title character in Trafalgar Transformed’s Richard III. They had on-stage seating, which I, of course, had to do (if only because I can now say I shared a stage with the man). As he stormed past during his first entrance, my lizard brain piped up: “I could tackle him!”

As I interacted with more celebrities in my time in Los Angeles, I began to jokingly refer to how close I was in that same vein. So, without further ado:

Licking Distance: exactly what it says on the tin. This came about when I attended Letters Live, and the person sitting next to us was none other than Chase Masterson, who I had just interacted with a couple of weeks prior at Gallifrey One.

Lunging Distance: when the celebrity is close enough for you to interact with, but still within the confines of society. This also came about when I attended Letters Live and saw how close I was to the stage.

Tackling Distance: when the celebrity is around 10 feet or so from you. Too far to actually interact, but close enough to where you could tackle and show your love.

Kidnapping Distance: when the celebrity is within the same city as you, and you know exactly where they are, but it’s a bit of a drive. This came about when I saw photos of Martin at Griffith Observatory once.

Stalking Distance: when you know the general idea of where the celebrity lives, but no specifics.

In all seriousness, the main guide to actually interacting with celebrities is to remember they are human and to treat them with respect and understanding. Do not take photos of them without their knowledge / permission (let alone post them on social media). Don’t circumvent any security arrangements at the location that you’re at. Don’t approach them if they look to be in a private moment (like in a toilet or at dinner). Finally, they do not owe you anything: not an autograph, not a hug, and not a photo. They are dealing with things you can’t even imagine, so while it may make you sad that you don’t get this opportunity to interact, they are not obligated to do anything for you.